


Why Can’t I Cry?

by AutisticWriter



Series: Whumptober [16]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: 1980s, Abortion, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Crying, Dark, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Emotional Hurt, Friendship, Gen, Heavy Angst, Minor Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji, Misgendering, Murder, One Shot, Prompt Fic, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Swearing, Trans Ibe Shunichi, Trans Male Character, Trans Male Pregnancy, Whump, Whumptober 2018, pro-choice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-08-03 16:14:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16329338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutisticWriter/pseuds/AutisticWriter
Summary: After Ibe is assaulted and has a back alley abortion, he struggles to cope with his memories of these past two weeks. And whilst he stays in bed to recover, Max tries to take care of him, Eiji can’t stop crying and Ash stalks the streets, determined to get revenge on the man who hurt Ibe.[Prompt 16: Bedridden]





	Why Can’t I Cry?

**Author's Note:**

> Set in an AU where Banana Fish doesn't exist.
> 
> In case you don't know, 'iie' means 'no' in Japanese.

He knows Ash had a tough childhood and that the kid isn’t afraid to kill people if necessary; after all, Shunichi first met Ash when he interviewed him about life as a gang leader in New York, and he’s spent a fair amount of time around Ash since then. But he still never expected this, that Ash would be out stalking the streets of Manhattan, fully prepared to murder someone who hurt Shunichi.

“When will he come back?” Eiji says, staring out of the window.

“I have no idea,” Max says. “But… he’ll either come back satisfied and bloody, or clean and pissed off.”

Eiji turns to face him and Max, tears shining in his eyes. “I love him… but I hate when he kills. But… he wants to help Ibe-san. I… I do not know what to think.”

Shunichi groans, rubbing his eyes. “I don’t blame you, Ei-chan.”

“Why did you not stop him, Mr Lobo?” Eiji says.

“Because this is Ash we’re talking about. If he wants to do something, no one can stop him,” Max says. “Hey, Shunichi, need some painkillers?”

Shunichi nods. “Please.”

Eiji sighs. “I guess you are right. But…”

He sighs again, and wanders over to Shunichi’s bed. When they first came to the US for just a couple of days, Shunichi never expected to actually be renting an apartment here. But things changed, and now they’ll be here for the foreseeable future. And even after the gang violence they have witnessed, it wasn’t until last week when Shunichi really started to feel scared of such a big, foreign city full of gangs.

“Are you feeling any better, Ibe-san,” Eiji asks.

“A bit,” Shunichi says, although he has to admit he may be lying to make Eiji feel better. But although that was his intention, it doesn’t work.

“Ibe-san… I’m sorry this happened to you,” Eiji says, and he breaks down sobbing all over again.

“It wasn’t your fault, Ei-chan,” Shunichi says, reaching out and patting Eiji on the shoulder.

“Yeah, it had nothing to do with any of us. Only that bastard is to blame. And, if Ash gets him, he’ll be dead soon.”

That doesn’t console Eiji either, and he sobs into his hands.

Shunichi fights back tears, gritting his teeth. He’s seen and been through some rough things these last few months, what with Ash’s rebellion against the gang that used to control him (and the death of that evil mob boss who used Ash as a sex slave) and the general danger of trying to interview gang members and that sort of thing.

But it wasn’t until two weeks ago that everything really went wrong.

\---

2 Weeks Ago

Being a non-native English speaker, Shunichi was fully aware that fact made him more vulnerable to street crimes. He learned that back when he was twenty years old, when he first met Max, who had recently gotten out of the army; as he wandered around the streets of Manhattan, a map gripped in his hands, Shunichi felt incredibly vulnerable. And when Max came over to him and said, “Watch your bag, man, you’ll get mugged,” Shunichi realised just how many people seemed fascinated by his rucksack. And he thanked Max, and they ended up becoming friends.

Anyway, all of this meant that Shunichi knew being foreign made him an easier target for petty criminals, so he had become very vigilant when walking alone, especially in the dark. He had gone out to have some time to himself (and to give Ash and Eiji the apartment for what Ash, embarrassment written on his face, called a ‘date night’), so decided to head to a bar.

Shunichi soon found himself sat at a table in comfortably empty bar, drinking beer and looking through the negatives of some photographs he wanted some new prints of. The beer was pretty disgusting, but he drank it just to get value for money.

He looked up when a man wandered over to his table, carrying a glass of beer and smiling. “Hi, man. What’re you up to?”

Shunichi looked at the man; he seemed friendly enough, so he smiled. “I am a photographer. I was just looking at some photos I want to get reprinted.”

“Oh, that’s cool,” the man said, sitting down opposite Shunichi even though he didn’t say he could do that.

But the man was just happy to drink and talk to Shunichi every few minutes, so he didn’t mind that much. Shunichi put his photographs and negatives back in his bag and picked up his beer, taking a sip. The sip left a strange aftertaste in his mouth and Shunichi grimaced; the beer in this bar was disgusting. Still, he drank the rest and stood up.

“I should be going,” Shunichi said. “It was nice to talk to you.”

“Yeah, you too,” the man said, nodding.

Shunichi walked away, but when he left the bar and stepped back out onto the street, his vision flickered. He blinked, but his vision continued to turn double on him, making the evening view of the street distorted. Shunichi shook his head and carried on walking, but… his legs seemed heavier than usual. Grimacing, he stumbled, bracing a hand against a cold brick wall to keep himself upright.

Just how strong was that disgusting beer?

“Hey, are you okay?”

Shunichi turned his head, his vision distorting like a kaleidoscope. But when it cleared, he found that same man stood beside him.

“You looked wobbly in the doorway. You look a bit drunk, man. Need some help?”

“Uh…” Shunichi groaned, trying to focus on anything other than his swirling brain. He closed his eyes, his stomach starting to churn. He rubbed his stomach, but it just got worse. “I, uh… I think I will vomit.”

“Oh, shit, it’s okay. Look, come with me, man. I’ll take you to a bathroom.”

Something flashed in the back of Shunichi’s mind, but he couldn’t place it. All he knew was that he was about to throw up. The man put one hand on Shunichi’s waist and the other on his elbow, and helped him stumble along the sidewalk.

“Where… we going?” Shunichi said. His brain throbbed worse than ever, and he found it almost impossible to speak in English.

“To a public bathroom. We’re nearly there. You’re doing great, man,” the man said.

His feet dragging, Shunichi let the man lead him down a side street to a dingy block of public toilets. But the man headed towards a wide door, and Shunichi recognised the wheelchair symbol.

“We… not… d-disabled,” he said, his words really starting to slur. His eyelids drooped, and Shunichi wondered if he was going to faint. What was happening to him?

“Don’t matter. Come on.”

His grip harder now, the man opened the door and switched on the light. Just like all American public bathrooms, it was disgusting. Not that someone as groggy as Shunichi cared.

And then it happened. The man let go of Shunichi and shoved him hard in the back. His legs wobbly, Shunichi stumbled and fell, banging his head against the tiled wall. Knees buckling, Shunichi slumped to the floor, gasping. Just as he thought, he did vomit, getting his head over the toilet bowl just in time. But as he emptied his stomach, the man stepped into the stall with him and locked them both inside.

“What…?” Shunichi trailed off, gagging, not sure what he had been trying to say.

“Jesus, tourists are easy,” the man said, laughing a horrible laugh. “If you still don’t get it, I’m going to fuck you.”

He had to translate the crude language in his addled brain, but Shunichi got it eventually. And when he did, he vomited again. This man… wanted to have sex with him?

“N-No,” Shunichi mumbled.

“That’s not an option, man. If you’re passive, you won’t get hurt. Now you look a bit groggy, do you know why that is?”

Shunichi turned his head to stare at the man, vomiting up stomach acid. This man… drugged him. This was why he felt so ill. The man must have spiked his drink.

The man grabbed the back of Shunichi’s shirt and pulled him away from the toilet. He leaned close to Shunichi, and whispered into his ear, “Pull your pants down your thighs, get on your elbows and knees and keep quiet. Do it.”

Of course he didn’t want to do it. He didn’t want this man to have sex with him. no, given how Shunichi didn’t want this, the correct thing to say would be: he didn’t want this man to rape him. But he knew from experience how dangerous people can be when angered. So although he wanted to cry, he fumbled for his belt and undid his jeans.

Shunichi slipped his jeans and underpants down his thighs, the rolled up ball of socks he used to pad his pants falling to the filthy floor. His movements were painfully slow, but he got into the position the man told him, his face horribly close to the disgusting floor.

“Good,” the man said, and Shunichi heard a zip.

The man kneeled down behind Shunichi, and he felt fingers trailing… he gagged, but had nothing left to vomit up. But when the man’s fingers invaded the place that gave Shunichi the most anxiety about his body, he gasped, wondering if he might faint. But he didn’t. He was still conscious.

“Fucking hell, you’ve got a pussy,” the rapist said, his words crude and his tone horrible. “Never mind. Get ready… madam.”

If it was possible, being called a woman made him feel even worse. Shunichi wanted to cry, but he couldn’t find any tears. All he knew was that there were hands on his hips and the man was grunting and penetrated Shunichi so hard he winced, and the man was groaning and Shunichi wanted to die.

He couldn’t even remember basic English words, the grogginess and fear overwhelming his entire brain. Which was why as the man slammed into him, grunting and panting, all Shunichi could do was mumble, “Iie,” desperate for the man to stop.

“Iie… I-Iie…”

“Don’t know what you’re saying, darling,” the man said. “But I’m not stopping.”

When the man climaxed, Shunichi felt the disgusting heat inside of him, and he vomited into his mouth.

The man pulled out and zipped up his pants, standing up. “That was fucking amazing. Those drugs should wear off soon. And don’t bother going to the police, or I’ll show everyone this.”

Show them what, Shunichi thought, struggling to process anything other than the fact this bastard just raped him.

And that was when he heard the click. The click he instantly recognised as his Polaroid camera taking a photograph.

Wait, his camera!

Shunichi managed to turn his head; the contents of his bag (his big camera and lots of film, as well as his photographs and negatives) were on the floor.

The man held something in front of his face. Shunichi had to focus his blurry vision, but he saw it. And then he vomited again, hacking up stomach acid.

Because what he saw was a Polaroid photo of himself, his pants down, his buttocks and genitals on display with semen dribbling down his thigh.

Was the man… trying to blackmail him?

“So yeah, go to the police, but then the world will see this – and they’ll know you’re a cross-dressing woman. So have fun.”

And the rapist walked off, leaving only his negatives and photographs behind as he stole both of the cameras. And Shunichi just sat there, covered in another person’s bodily fluids and trying to work out what the fuck to do.

In the end, he just trailed home and had a long shower, and acted like nothing had happened.

\---

Yesterday

When the nightmare hit him, Shunichi realised he wouldn’t just be able to suppress what happened to him forever. He awoke with a jolt, his heart pounding, and managed to fall out of bed. He groaned, images of the nightmare still fresh in his mind, and slumped on the floor as the early morning sunlight streamed through a gap in the curtains.

“Ibe-san?” Eiji called, sliding the door open. When he saw Shunichi on the floor, he dashed over. “What happened?”

“Just fell out of bed, Ei-chan.”

“But… you look scared. Did you have a bad dream?”

There was no point lying to Eiji; he knew him too well. “Yeah. But I’m fine now.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

Of course he wasn’t fine, but he couldn’t tell Eiji that the nightmare was based on a real event without telling him what happened almost two weeks prior. He hadn’t told anyone, and he was not about to start with the young man he thought of as his son.

Once Eiji seemed satisfied he was okay, Eiji smiled weakly and left the room. But although it was only 6am, Shunichi couldn’t get back to sleep. As he lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling, all he could feel was anxiety knotting away at his insides.

He had been blackmailed by a rapist. How could he even begin to process that?

And then something even worse came to mind: that man raped his vagina and didn’t wear a condom. Was it possible that…

Could Shunichi be pregnant?

After all, he had the internal organs required for pregnancy and whilst he did take the pill to limit his periods, it was common knowledge that contraceptives could fail. So it could be possible.

He wanted to be sick.

He could be pregnant with that evil man’s child? How… what was he supposed to do?

Being pregnant in general sounded like torture, but this…

No, he made up his mind.

Even though it was early in the morning and he was exhausted from a restless night of sleep, Shunichi got up and got dressed. He needed to find out the truth to solve this terror inside him.

So he snuck out of the apartment and ran to the nearest store. Thankfully, crappy stores like this opened early, so he had no worries about it being so early. Shunichi dashed to the back of the store and grabbed a pregnancy test, starting to feel faint. He picked up a packet of painkillers to show Eiji if he asked why he went out, paid the groggy young man behind the counter and hurried back home.

Thankfully, Eiji didn’t come to investigate when Shunichi returned, allowing him to go straight to the bathroom. Following the instructions on the packet, he urinated on the small stick, places it on the side and waits the minute it needs to work. And as he waited, Shunichi gritted his teeth, hoping hoping hoping it was going to come back negative.

When the time was up, he picked up the test and held his breath. And he saw it.

He was pregnant.

Shunichi gagged and vomited, gasping for breath. His heart pounding, he snapped the pregnancy test and wrapped it in loads of toilet paper before shoving into the bathroom’s trash can.

Once he had cleaned himself up, he went into the living room and collapsed on the couch. What was he going to do?

He was only two weeks pregnant, too early to really feel any symptoms, but knowing that thing was inside of him made him want to disembowel himself. He… he needed an abortion. But… what could he do? He couldn’t afford the hundreds of dollars he would need to have one.

When someone knocked on the front door, Shunichi didn’t even process it. Thankfully, Eiji got out of bed to answer it, and soon two new voices fought their way through the fog in his brain.

“You are a bit early,” Eiji said.

“Yeah, I was bored,” Ash said. “So I went and woke the old man up and we came here. How’re you doing, Eiji?”

“I am fine, thanks.”

“Where’s Shunichi?” Max asked.

“I think he is still in bed,” Eiji said.

“No, I’m up!” Shunichi called, getting to his feet. He tried to put on a pleasant face, wandering into the hallway to see the others. “Hello.”

“You look like shit,” Ash said.

“Yeah, have you been sick or something?” Max said, frowning as he studied Shunichi.

“I, I had a nightmare earlier. It made me anxious,” Shunichi said. “Look, can I talk to Ash about something?”

“Sure thing,” Ash said. “Let’s go to your room. Don’t you dare eavesdrop, you two.”

Ash stalked into Shunichi’s bedroom, and he followed after him. It seemed like a stupid move to talk to someone as prickly as Ash, but it also made the most sense. After all, if anyone knew how to get a cheap abortion, it would be a gang member who knew the black markets like the back of his hand.

“What’s up, then?”

“Uh,” Shunichi faulted, rubbing his hands together. “Do you know… of any places that do… cheap abortions?”

Ash’s expression barely changed, but his eyes widened slightly. “Why? Got someone pregnant?”

“No, that would be impossible. Ash, please… I am pregnant. I need an abortion. Do you know a… back alley place?”

Again, Ash barely reacted to such a big statement, folding his arms across his chest. “Are you transgender?”

Shunichi nodded. “Yes.”

“Is that why you’re so desperate to get an abortion?”

“Basically, yes.”

Ash stepped closer, studying Shunichi with those piercing green eyes. “Is there something else? You can tell me? Ibe-san,” he said, putting a hand on Shunichi’s shoulder. “Did this happen through sex or…”

Shunichi nodded again, ducking his head. “Yes. Somebody… raped me.”

He felt the flinch in Ash’s grip; he knew Ash had a history with this sort of stuff.

“S-Sorry.”

“No, it’s important. Thanks for telling me. But we can deal with that later.”

“We can’t go to the police!” Shunichi snapped, immediately regretting it.

He expected Ash to say, ‘why?’

Instead, Ash muttered, “I wasn’t talking about the police. Look, we’ll deal with the abortion first. I know this guy called Dr Meredith. He’s the guy who goes cheap, back alley abortions around here. I’ll take you.”

“Thank you, Ash,” Shunichi said, willing himself not to cry.

“No problem. But I think you should tell those two.”

“But Ei-chan—”

“He knows about me and my past. He can deal with it,” Ash said. “Trust me. If you tell them, they can come with us.”

Shunichi finally looked at Ash again, forcing a smile. “O-Okay.”

So before they headed off to Dr Meredith’s place, Shunichi sat through one of the most painful conversations in his life. When he told Eiji and Max he is transgender, they both stared. When he said about what that man did to him, Eiji broke down sobbing and Ash cuddled him, whilst Max put a hand on Shunichi’s shoulder and stared at him with agonised eyes. But they both believed him. And they both wanted to help.

And so even though it was terrifying, heading to have an illegal abortion felt a bit more bearable with those three by his side.

\---

So much has happened in these last two weeks, and Shunichi doesn’t know what to do. He isn’t like Eiji, so he can’t just start sobbing; he also isn’t like Ash, so exacting bloody vengeance on the man who raped him isn’t his thing either; and of course he can’t fall into the awkward caregiver role like Max, as he is the bedridden one. So what should he do?

All he really knows is he feels like crap, both physically and mentally. Mentally is obvious, because he keeps having nightmares and he feels scared all of the time, and the thought of Ash tracking down that dangerous man makes him want to vomit. And physically is pretty obvious too, considering he had an abortion yesterday.

Just as he thought it would be, it was unpleasant. Dr Meredith was a nice enough guy and didn’t call Shunichi a woman, but his office freaked Shunichi out and the abortion was painful. If he closes his eyes, he can see himself with his feet in stirrups as the doctor pushed something inside of him. And it hurt and it felt weird and when he realised he wasn’t sad in the slightest, he felt a bit bad until the others reminded him he never wanted to be pregnant in the first place.

When it was all over, the doctor gave him a bottle of strong painkillers and instructed Shunichi to stay in bed for two days, and to call him if he experienced any severe bleeding. So far, he has taken lots of pills and he’s had a lot of normal bleeding, and just feels exhausted and achy all round. But at least the others are here.

Max is a rather good caretaker, helping Shunichi to the bathroom and getting him food and drink and keeping him comfortable. Ash, before he disappeared, was good to talk to in the night when he had a horrible nightmare, because Ash knows a lot about this sort of thing. And although he keeps crying, Eiji keeps hugging Shunichi, his embrace surprisingly comfortable despite the tears that drip onto his face.

He doesn’t even have the energy to feel bored at being bedridden, so physically and mentally drained all he wants to do is cry. But… he can’t seem to find any tears.

When pain throbs inside of him (Shunichi knows it comes from his uterus from the abortion sucking the foetus out of him and his cervix and vaginal canal from being stretched by a speculum), Shunichi winces. And, just like last time, Max and Eiji race over.

“Ibe-san, are you okay?” Eiji says, tears spilling down his face.

“Shunichi, is the bleeding getting worse?” Max says, clearly prepared to grab Shunichi and rush him to Dr Meredith’s office.

“Iie, no, it’s just normal pain,” Shunichi says, breathing slowly to stop himself whining.

The two relax slightly, but don’t leave his bedside. To be honest, Shunichi doesn’t mind.

He’s more worried about Ash. He knew he shouldn’t have told Ash about the guy’s appearance and the stuff he stole from him, but he only realised that after he said it. And when Ash took extra bullets with him when he left earlier, it became painfully obvious what Ash was going to do. To be honest, he wouldn’t mind if the man died; he just doesn’t want Ash to get arrested or hurt for trying to defend Shunichi.

When the front door opens, Shunichi sits up so quickly his sore abdomen twinges. Again, the pain makes him want to cry, but he can’t. Why can’t he cry?

Ash walks into the room, looking like he did before, if a bit sweaty. Except… for the blood drips on his T-shirt and the things in his hands. They look like cameras. Did Ash get his cameras back from the man? So that means…

“Ash!” Eiji cries, rushing over to his boyfriend. “What did you do?”

“He’s never going to rape anyone again,” Ash says, dropping the cameras on the foot of the bed. “And I got your shit back.”

“You really murdered the guy?” Max says.

Ash smirks. “Yeah. He had it coming. Hey, Ibe-san, I found a Polaroid in his pocket.”

Shunichi flinches. “You did?”

“Yeah. And I destroyed it.”

Even though the thought of Ash murdering someone so casually makes him tremble, Shunichi can’t help but smile. “Th-Thank you, Ash.”

“And Eiji, I know me killing scares you, but…”

“I know,” Eiji says, sniffing. “You killed people who hurt you. And you killed the person who hurt Ibe-san. That is different to murder for fun or because of sadism.”

“And he could not go to the police,” Shunichi says, sighing. “Because of the photograph.”

“Was it to blackmail you?” Max says.

Shunichi and Ash nod.

“Yeah, he threatened to show it to the world if Ibe-san tried to go to the police. So… I dealt with it for him.”

And even though he still looks conflicted and tears dribble down his face, Eiji hugs Ash.

And even though he still can’t cry, Shunichi smiles at them, hoping things will be better now. Of course, he will always be haunted by those memories. But… with these three, he thinks he can survive. With them, he can cope with it all. With them… he might be able to get better – and remember how to cry.


End file.
